Invasion of the new year

By Leslie Silverman


It’s almost that time of year again.

They come from all over the galaxy—CouchPotato, the largest planet in our Solar System, Tkar BingewatchNetflix, one of the newly discovered dwarf planets.

This is the season when Earth Fitness gets invaded by aliens. Known as the “spa for health” planet, Earth Fitness sees a yearly influx of beings beginning the day after Watchback-to-backbowl Games Day.

The invasion usually lasts for six to eight weeks, until Green Beer Drinking Day or Month Four Fools Day at the latest.

It’s pretty well divided between the male and female of the species, although rarely do you see any of the ancient ones donning this custom.

They have learned long ago that the takeover, for most, is fleeting at best.

Uncertain where to begin on what to do, most aliens are enticed by the shiny moving machines.   The aliens begin their quest on level one or two rarely moving at a faster pace.

Many of the resident beings who have inhabited this place for many years now have to wait in lines during the peak migration period.

The influx of ridiculousness causes much stress to the residents, the exact opposite of the spa for health’s mission.

Some opt for the anti gravity bells, but after several repetitions get discouraged by how much gravity Earth Fitness actually has.

These aliens often are the first to admit defeat and go back to their home planets.

Occasionally you see a hardy specimen of the species, one who makes it beyond the eight- to 12-week initiation period.

Those few become lifers. Not afraid of sweating or aching muscles they persevere to find a transformation in their shape, size and lung capacity.

Some fortunate ones, like myself, become addicts begging for the next fix of heart racing adrenaline only found from pumping large bells or pushing past plateaus on the moving machines.

Some become so obsessed they alter their personalities completely. Known as the sterile ones, they enhance their addiction with supplemental drugs that make them look larger and appear fitter and stronger than the healthiest specimens among us.

Very few of the aliens ever go down this path.

As we make our way into the year 2019 let us pray for those among us that the alien invasion does not destroy our peaceful spa for health and that we can continue to enjoy the stillness and serenity of Planet Fitness during this stress free time of year.

To those of you planning an invasion this year, Godspeed.