New Year, new you.
That’s what prompts so many of us to resolve to lose weight for the upcoming year.
Some make that effort by spending a large sum of money on fancy gym memberships only to realize that the commitment to actually go to the gym requires exercise, in the form of walking, in the first place.
Others throw on YouTube and try to sweat with the oldies or have a yogi look deep into your retinas and help guide you through your physical reawakening.
Before long you realize that instead of exercise you could be watching the one millionth episode of “Game of Breaking Bad” and sink into your ultra comfortable over plush leather couch for some much-needed rest.
So what’s a gal or guy to do to shed those extra pounds?
Diet of course.
There are so many to choose from. Back when I was a kid we ate from a shape known as a pyramid. At its base were yummy foods like breads, muffins, and pasta.
Most of us began to resemble that shape from that diet.
I remember when Atkins became all the rage. Meat became the staple in the American diet. Triple burgers loaded with cheese and bacon were suddenly good for you, as long as you didn’t have the onions, tomatoes, pickles or bun to go with it.
And then the “V” word appeared on the scene. Probably coined by some PETA loving sissy, it crushed the best diet to ever exist like a 120 mph Maserati destroys a fly.
Meat became synonymous with murder.
We were left to forage in the aisles of shops with names like sprouts and east wisps of air known as vegetables and fruits. Foreign foods with funny names began to dot the aisles at our local market. They were even substitutes for meat brought to us by the devil himself, hence the one named Seitan.
As if that wasn’t enough to take the joy out of eating, dietitians began to pick on the next letter in the alphabet, W.
My pyramid from my youth got turned upside down by the gluten-free foodies.
My beloved breads, pastas and muffins had become poisoned by the seed producing monopoly who changed a long flowing stalk into a short fat, large yield, producing tree.
Even whole grains, the formerly “good grains,” got hammered by this new wave of “good for you” foods.
Millions of Americans decided ditching bread was a way to ditch weight, even though bread is a staple in most diets throughout the world where being overweight is hardly an issue.
Gluten was making U.S. fat and sick, while Moroccans, French, and Middle Easterners were remaining skinny.
Rather than react by removing the extra sugar, corn syrup, and yeast that actually has no place in real bread, marketers got us to remove real bread off of our plates completely.
Gluten-free bread, filled with “all natural,” unpronounceable ingredients like emulsifiers and xanthan gum, took our nation by storm. Pizza places, Italian restaurants, even national chains like Subway and Culver’s began to offer gluten-free options for diners willing to pay a premium. (Consider the gluten free bun that just cost more than the burger itself.)
Now the newest craze is the Keto Diet, which looks awfully similar to the Atkins diet but allows for copious amounts of fat.
Yes, Keto crazies eat sticks of butter, pound back shots of olive oil and lick the bacon grease out of the pan like dogs lap their water bowls on a hot summer day.
This diet claims that 75 percent of one’s calories per day can come safely from fat, while only 5 percent should be coming from carbs (including fruits and vegetables).
So now, instead of getting healthy doses of Vitamin C, B or A, I can slim down and feel good about myself from getting extreme amounts of cholesterol and glycerides.
I’m not at all certain what diet marketers can think of next when it comes to proper nutrition and health. An all candy diet? A chocolate, wine and soda diet? Or maybe a diet of eating nothing but Subway all the time?
Oh wait, we had that one already.
To those of you willing to get dazed and confused on the plethora of diet choices, good luck and may the force of gravity loss be with you.